I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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