Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
