You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
