I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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