just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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