he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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