it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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