So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
