I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
