I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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