The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
