Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Randomize
