i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
