its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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