My friends, they love my intelligence
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
