tonight lets celebrate not being married
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
