If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
