"it" just moved
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
