Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
