if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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