Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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