they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
