those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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