My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
