I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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