the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
