turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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