remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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