You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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