Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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