your parents love me but you hate me
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
