Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
