I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
