Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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