apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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