Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
