i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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