I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
