if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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