Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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