The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
