Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
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