Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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