Your dad touched me again.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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