Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
