Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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