Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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