I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
