He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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