My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
