we should wear snuggies to the strip club
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
